Review: Rihanna "Unapologetic"

"Unapologetic".


That's one word to describe how Rihanna is probably feeling right now. 

Unapologetic, because, this very moment, her 7th(!) studio album is bringing in more Benjamins per nano-second than what you'll ever earn in your sorry little lifetime.

Rihanna has always been an artist who I've supported by buying or downloading her album.  I love how her style changes with every album, and whether or not she's as successful as she is thanks to a colossal team of stylists and producers - there's no denying she's a born entertainer with natural star quality.  This doesn't mean I love everything she does, but I just can't help wanting to watch her, read about her and listen to her.

Opening Unapologetic is the aggressive, grimy sounding Phresh Out The Runway (yes, fresh with a P, bitch) a confusing cacophony of sound plastered over nonsensical lyrics. I'm not exaggerating when I say this track is enough to trigger a nervous breakdown. The next time I'm furiously searching for a tampon in the bottom of my handbag because my period has arrived unexpectedly whilst I'm out on the razz, wearing my best white ensemble, this will be the song playing in my head.


Almost redeeming the massacre of the opening track is Diamonds. I like Diamonds, and I like the way Riri says "diamonds" even more. 

Shine bright like a diyamand, shine bright like a diyamand. Ahhhhhhhh! I love it!


Next up is Numb (feat. Eminem). If there ever was a porno spoof documenting the antics of the Ancient Egyptians, this is the song I imagine a slutty Nefertiti belly-dancing to as she seduces Tutankhamen. Those of you savvy with Ancient Egyptian history (so, none of you) know this is wrong on so many levels, a bit like this song.  Wrong, wrong, WRONGGGG.  And Eminems verse is LAME; "I'm the butt police and I'm lookin' at ya REEEORR REEEORR REEORR!".  Nothing like a huge irresistible dollop of male chauvinism.


Rihanna uploaded this pic to her personal Instagram account earlier this year (@badgalriri)
What a bad ass.

Pour it Up is basically Riri showing off; bragging about how much money she has and how she enjoys throwing it at "strippers going up and down that poooooole", embodying everything that is wrong with the money/sex obsessed culture we live in.  Riri seems to have adopted a speech impediment for this song too, singing in a strange staccato style - but interestingly, it works; "all I..see is..signs..all I..see is..dollar..signs".  The lyrics are as shallow as a puddle, but yes!  I like this song.  I can definitely see myself pulling some pretty amazing slut drops out the bag if this song is ever played in a club.

Following on is Loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Song (feat. Future). Nothing innovative; Future sounds like an auto-tuned Pound Land version of Timbaland spouting drivel; "I don't wanna give you the wrong impression, woo ooh, I need love and affection, and I hope I'm not sounding too desperate, I need love and affection, love, roo oooh oooh, love roo oooh oooh" (STFU!) over the primitive electro tune from Ecco the Dolphin.  Ecco was the first game my Dad bought me for my Sega Mega Drive, which mildly entertained but mostly frustrated the living shit out of me, a bit like this song.

Jump and Right Now (feat. David Guetta) are tracks which have the potential to be huge club anthems, mostly loved by Ibiza-bound, eyebrow-waxing, gym-abusing roid head woopers.

I can see these songs being used as part of the Geordie Shore soundtrack; played over footage of a Lambrini-fuelled Vicky twatting Ricci over the head with a kebab wrap as they argue outside of Madame Koos, whilst Gaz and Scott, sorry, The Dream Team, are inside running around like toddlers who've eaten too many Skittles, competing to see who can finger the most girls on the dance-floor   

Right Now (which sounds pretty much exactly like Pound The Alarm by Nicki Minaj) is quite likeable though, and admittedly I found myself humming along.  The chorus on Jump samples Ginuwine's 1996 song Pony; "If you're horny, let's do it, ride it, my pony", but surprisingly Ri tamed down the lyrics to "If you want it".  However, this is pretty pointless, when in the opening verse she croons: "When you fuck them other girls, I bet they be wondering why you always call my name".  Really?  Is this necessary?  Sighhhhhh.  I preferred the Rihanna who sang about telling people they could share her umbrella when it rains.  Such a polite girl.  Or could the umbrella be a metaphor for her vajayjay?  I guess we'll never know.

Finally, 9 tracks in, Stay (feat. Mikky Ekko) is the first song which doesn't make me want to head-butt the wall.  A stripped-down piano and voice ballad, straight to the point and without any gimmicks - it's the stand-out track of the whole album.  It's heartfelt, emotional and raw, and I'm not ashamed to say it gave me goosebumps as I listened!  YOU MUST RELEASE THIS SONG RIRI!!!!  And her live performance of it on SNL (below) is even better than the album version.  Enjoy!

But then.

Track 10.  Nobodies Business (feat. Chris Brown).  

Any song by that smug woman-beating dbag is a song I'll refuse to acknowledge.  Sorry Rih.  All I will say is that it has a cheesy but catchy (damn) 70s disco vibe.  And Rih seems unable to pronounce the word "business".  Instead she says "bi-neh".  Strange.  Actually, since I've started to rip this song into shreds I'll do it properly.

I really can't comprehend how Rihanna can sing: "your love is perfection...you'll always be the one that I'll want to come home to" to Breezy, and how (presumably) it "ain't nobody's bi-neh" whether she has rekindled her romance with him.  

Well I'm sorry Ri, you're in the spotlight, and young, impressionable girls look up to you.  So, it is actually a LOT of people's business.  Do you really want to send out the message that it's OK to be involved in a relationship where women run back to men who physically and mentally abuse them?

Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary is a strange one.  Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this track seems to be Rihanna justifying to the world why she has forgiven CB.  It's not very interesting either, I had to skip it before it was finished as it was just a total snoozefest.  Yawnn.

When I was writing notes on my first listen of the album, beside Get It Over With I wrote: "zzzzzzzzzzzzzz, thundering thundering, wondering wondering, thundering, wondering, thundering".  The lyrics really are that repetitive.  Don't make the same mistake I did by listening to the whole 3 minutes 32 seconds of this song waiting for something good to happen. 

Ever the role model, Rih posted this picture on her Instagram of herself smoking a big fat J! You rebeeel!

Then comes one of the few saviours of the album, No Love Allowed, which I ADORE!  It reminds me so much of Rude Boi - it has the same reggae feel to it, but is more chilled.  The base line is pulsing and infectious - not to mention the fact Rih brings out her seldom-heard distinctive Caribbean accent for a small guest appearance.  I imagine it sounds even better after a joint or two.  Rihanna likes smoking joints!  She always posts pictures on her Instagram of herself smoking joints!  She's definitely not an attention seeker is she! 

And finally, the closing number - Lost In Paradise.  It's one of the more experimental tracks on the album, and it definitely works.  I can imagine Riri playing this at all of the big festivals next summer; it's a born crowd pleaser.  It's a hybrid of pop, electro, dance and dubstep, and it's also the one track which really works in terms of Rihanna evolving her sound.


Rih, we get it. WE GET IT. You are a hard-core, money throwin', stripper lovin', J smokin' party animal. But please, it's time to bring back the Rihanna we fell in love with.  Rihanna sans gimmicks.  Rihanna who doesn't rely on an OTT sexually suggestive image to sell records.

It hurts me to say it, but, Riri, Unapologetic is all filler, no killer. 

I give Unapologetic 2.5/5.

Have you listened to the album?

What do you think?

What's your favourite track?